Posts from — September 2009
A good morning
For the first time in…well, I don’t know how long, actually…I woke up today feeling rested. And at 7am, no less.
Night before last I slept for 12 hours (I needed it, I’ve been short on sleep for some time) and STILL didn’t feel like I’d had enough. So last night I was in bed before 10pm and – bing! – 7am.
Wide awake, ready to go.
Now it’s 9.30 and I’ve already had a bit of chill out time reading in bed with the cat (she likes to rest right up against my eyes so I can’t read my book, the sod), had a coffee, watered the garden, unloaded clean dishes from the dishwasher, loaded dirty ones in and hit wash and started work on my painting for the day.
And aside from a nasty mishap where I got confused and mistook a scrap of leather for a tasty bit of chocolate (I realised before I swallowed it, don’t worry) all has gone swimmingly.
Well, I’m choosing to see in that way at least.
The house is a pig sty (there’s all sorts of random packaging and papers and crap everywhere), and to walk about you have to dodge and weave and step. But if you think about it, people PAY to do that sort of stuff at fitness boot camps, right?
So maybe my house is just a boot camp fitness obstacle course. No, I’m not in great shape, but imagine the shape I’d be in if I tidied up and no longer had to contend with random obstacles in the hallway in the dead of night!
So, really, all that crap is there for my health.
Similarly, the drifts of paper that threaten to bury the cat are there so as to lessen the burden on the recycling centre.
Yes, I’ll put it all in the recycling bin, but later. If that much paper hit the recycling centre at once, they’d be overwhelmed.
By storing it on my desk (on my floor, on my cat, across the bed, over the chair) I can recycle tidy handfuls at a time, thus providing the centre with sustained, steady work. Providing job stability for their workers. Allowing them to take out mortgages to house their families, providing paychecks to send their children to private schools and university, providing not only their family but the whole of Australia with a better tomorrow.
I hold my nation’s future in the shit all over my desk. I must act wisely. A hasty clearing up session could wreak havoc upon god knows how many citizens.
September 30, 2009 Comments Off
Oh no!
Last night I had this dream where I won ten thousand dollars.
Ten. Thousand. Dollars.
And when I awoke this morning, it wasn’t until I wandered out to the letterbox, coffee in hand, that I went “Oh SHIT! It was just a dream!”
I don’t know how I won the money in my dream. I hadn’t entered a competition or anything, and I know I’ve never played lotto in my life. Not even in my dreams.
Playing the lottery is just far too confusing to me. You walk into a newsagents, get up to the lottery ticket and scratchy desk, and say:
“I’ll buy a ticket please.”
“What ticket, love?”
“For uh…trying to win the money.”
“Ok. Powerball? Lotto? Ozlotto?”
“Uh..”
“Pools? Lucky?”
“Um…yes.”
She gives me a funny look and then must make some sort of decision for me, and continues to the next round of questions.
“Standard, system or super combo?”
“Uh….standard.”
“You sure love? System and super combo increase your chances of winning by playing a wider range of number combos.”
*blinks* “Yes, ok, that one.”
“Ok, now, system 7, system 8 or system 9?”
“Is one better? What’s the difference?”
“How much money do you want to spend?”
“Uh…$5.00?”
“System 7. This system covers 7 numbers in all possible 6 number combos over 7 games. System 8 covers 8 numbers, in all possible 6 number combos over 28 games.”
“Oh, well system 8 sounds good, right?”
“It’s $21.00″
“Oh. System 7 then.”
“Ok. Now choose your starting draw.”
*blank stare* “…”
“Ok, I’ll put it down as tonight’s. Now I’ll put one game, yes? Good. And multi draw? The number of draws you want to purchase tickets for….nevermind. I’ll put one. Now you need to choose 7 numbers between 1 and 38 inclusive. Inclusive, you got that? So you can pick 1 and 38 if you want. Not that I’m recommending them mind, just letting you know.”
*another blank stare*
*crickets chirp*
“….Actually, you know what? Nevermind the ticket. It’s very confusing. I think I’ll just have this Kinder Surprise chocolate egg please. They have some funny creatures in them now! I want the fish with the big mouth! He’s awesome!”
She gives me a sad, exhausted look and hands over the egg.
So there’ll be no winning lotto ticket for me.
Bugger.
I wish I’m had a dream that I LOST $10,000, so at least when I woke up I’d feel glad that I had some money!
September 29, 2009 Comments Off
My personal ten steps for staying (almost, sometimes) sane….ish
It’s funny when I look at it sometimes – the things I have to do to stay sane.
Depression is something that’s always there for me, and a week of slacking off from my ‘stay sane’ routine is more than ample opportunity for it to take up residence in my head again, hungry and eating chunks out of my ‘normal’, ‘healthy’ thoughts, eating a great big hole in my chest, just under my ribs, until it’s a hollow cavern. Days like this I walk around, fist pressed to sternum soothe that weird ache in there, half way between being hollow like a barrel and having swallowed an enormously heavy stone. I stagger like a zombie. There’s pressure inside and outside my ribs. I feel as though my bones might break.
It feels like drowning.
They say drowning isn’t an unpleasant way to die. I don’t think I believe them.
So there are things I do, sometimes daily, to push it back. It hibernates, and the longer it does, the better I feel. And the stronger I am when it comes back.
Unwilling to live that way – day in day out out being crush in a vice, curled up in a shivering ball under clammy covers, aware that in Australia six people commit suicide every day, and god oh god, I don’t want it to be me with my number up today not me not me not me – I take steps.
That’s right, steps.
Shiver in your shoes, mental illness.
It’s funny, but against an illness as seemingly overwhelming as depression, it’s often the tiniest things that punch a hole in the damned thing and let a shaft of dusty daylight into your thinking.*
For instance, for me:
Step 1: actually get the hell out of bed.
I so often can’t see why I should get up. What I need to be out of bed for. I come up with reasons, logical, well thought out reasons that I present to myself as persuasion.
No dice. I get up. I don’t care if the house is on fire and the bed is the only thing in the whole place not aflame, the rule is I get up. And then
Step 2: get dressed.
It doesn’t have to look good, it doesn’t have to match, but wearing the same yellowing pajamas for a month doesn’t do much to boost one out of a feeling of helplessness. Everybody feels crap in crusty, sweaty pajamas. Wear clothes.
Step 3: eat something.
I’m prone to not eating when depressed, which of course makes me more lethargic and more depressed.
Top points if I manage to have a coffee and a couple of poached eggs, but eating a spoonful of a condiment (peanut butter, vegemite or nutella if we happen to have it) and nothing else is a fail I’m afraid.
Step 4: vitamins
I can’t stress this one enough, even to myself. It helps a huge amount to get enough of the things you need, so I take a multivitamin.
Then (especially in winter, since winter light increases brain serotonin levels only half as much as summer light) I take vitamin D, a vitamin which our bodies usually get from direct exposure to sunlight.
There is argument as to how much this aids depression, but I know that it seems to help for me, and since it also helps with other areas of health (bone density, for instance) it can’t bloody well hurt really, can’t it?
Step 5: shower!
I’m prone to letting things like personal hygiene slide when I’m depressed enough. After all, if there’s no point in getting out of bed, can there really be some inherent value in being clean? No. My mind tells me wallowing in my own filth for days, unfed and grimy is acceptable. Hell, logical.
It’s wrong though. Amy, take a shower. Trust me on this one.
Step 6: get out. see humans.
Wander about the garden. Breathe fresh air.
See other humans. Laugh. Realise that there is a world beyond the shady dankness of your bedroom in the middle of the day. And that laughing makes you feel better.
After all, nothing is that serious. Listen to other people’s problems. Have people listen to yours. You’re not alone. Get a grip. Gain some perspective.
Step 7: relax
I’ve started taking a little time just for me every day (oh god, how woman’s magazine of me) and it works.
Some days I meditate, some days I just zone out in the garden over a cup of tea. Sometimes a hot bath, sometimes a blanket and a book.
There’s a lot of time in the day, but the thing is it’s easy to waste it. With this, even 15 minutes, used properly, is enough.
Just make sure you use the time to focus on it being soothing, relaxing time, don’t jam it in and stress through it and wonder why you don’t feel better – the focus of calming down and feeling energised is the whole point.
Step 8: work
I don’t expect huge things from myself while depressed, some days I clap myself on the back just for being out of bed and still existing, but setting little tasks that CAN be done help with combating the feeling of uselessness. On days like this, even just spending 3 minutes wiping down the sink makes me feel like I did something useful, and that the day wasn’t a waste.
Step 9: exercise
I need to work more on this. But going for a walk, or even stretching, increases levels of endorphins and dopamine. These are good things. You want them if you’re badly depressed.
But at the same time – keep it moderate. An hour here, a couple there. 6 hours a day in the gym running until your eyes sweat is a whole other problem, not a solution.
And finally, step 10: avoid stupid things.
Stupid things? Drugs, alcohol (really. very important.), skipping nights of sleep, living on only gummi bears and sour worms, etc.
Boring? Maybe, to some people. But spending a week in bed because you’re afraid to get up and face life is more boring. Take your pick there.
Sounds easy, doesn’t it? I know it’s not. I know it’s not a cure, but it works better for me as a management system than anything else.
And right now I’m doing a-ok. So that has to prove something, right?
_____________________
* I should disclose, the reason I don’t mention medication is that I’m not on any. I’ve been on medication previously – we spent years trying to find what worked for me, while I was jerked back and forth with side effects keeping me awake, sending me to sleep, making me eat, making me unable to, etc etc.
I’ve been medication free some years now, and have been more stable than ever by sticking to my routine as best I can.
I should also mention that while this works (somewhat) for me, I don’t recommend it as an alternative to medication. I don’t recommend medication either. I don’t recommend anything. Everybody needs to make their own choices with what works for them.
September 28, 2009 1 Comment
Handy Hints Sunday!
That’s right folks, time for another handy hints!
And this week’s hint is….
When brushing your teeth, save a tired arm by holding it still, and simply jerking your head back and forth as fast as you can instead!
It really works!!
And that’s this week’s handy tip! I hope you put it to good use!
Goodnight folks, and good health!
September 27, 2009 Comments Off
Actual Vintage Ad Time!
Time for an actual vintage ad I found online…
But they’re wrong – I’m not pleasant indoors. I’m not pleasant anywhere at any time.
Though I must admit I AM glad that men have finally stopped the inhuman practise of hauling women up mountains to show them their sweaters. A sure win for the women’s movement!
September 26, 2009 Comments Off
Just a thought
Imagine if you could get frequent flier miles on guilt trips.
It might even be worth converting to Catholicism for!
September 25, 2009 Comments Off
A lick of paint for the kitchen.
Our kitchen is the most revolting colour. Was. Well, sort of still is.
Initially, it looked like this (photos from when we moved in):
And that photo doesn’t even begin to show how it really looked – it’s chipped, it’s stained. It’s nasty.
You can just image the conversation at the paint shop, can’t you?
“G’day, can I give you a hand at all?”
“Oh hi! Yes, I want some paint.”
“No worries! What colour would you like?”
“Well, see, I ate some dodgy Mexican last night – awful stuff. I was hurling the stuff up all night!
And you know… as I was there, hugging the toilet bowl in the dead of night, bits of half digested corn bespeckling my nighty, regurgitated beans sticking loose strands of hair to my cheek, I bought up the guacamole I had – slosh – right into the bowl.
..And it occurred to me – isn’t that a pretty colour!
So I want it that colour, my good man! That colour precisely!”
So instead of late night avocado regurgitation green, we opted for a gloss white for now.
Clean, goes with everything (we intend on painting some of our furniture in there BRIGHT PUERTO RICAN BROTHEL RED. Seth wants to decorate the kitchen with things here and there that remind him of his Puerto Rican heritage and family) and is that much lighter that I’ve noticed I don’t need to turn on the lights nearly as early in the afternoon as I did.
You can see in the photo above (me getting breakfast this morning – please excuse the shit everywhere. It’s moved from where it should be so I could paint) that I haven’t painted in the inside of the cupboard doors yet, but I will.
You can also (maybe?) see that the cat piss yellow counter tops have been covered up with what looks like metal sheeting. It isn’t actually metal sheeting, but it looks like it, and it’s shiny and clean and easy to clean up.
Haven’t managed to do anything about the lovely jaundice yellow walls yet, but thems the breaks.
I’m high on paint fumes – nothing bugs me.
September 24, 2009 Comments Off
